People that have seen these photos ask me why I hang on to them. Why? I feel bad that I got rid of all of the other ones. That was me. And it is the me that I still see and feel from time to time. Your past never leaves you. You can physically change yourself. You can look strong and confident to the rest of the world. But inside, you are still that same person at your core. Same dreams, same history... same fears.
When I was larger, I only focused on the things that I liked about my appearance. When I looked in the mirror, that's what I saw. The other parts of me kind of blurred out and I didn't focus on them. I never felt that I was very overweight. I was forced to confront my size when I'd drag myself into a clothing store to try to find something to wear, and I'd end up buying sizes that just didn't seem right to me. I often bought men's clothes because they were loose and I thought covered me up well. I avoided scales like the plague. I did finally decide to do something about my weight when I at long last DID step on a scale and saw that I weighed as much as my (ex) husband. And he wasn't overly thin, either. It was a wake up call to me.
The next few years my weight fluctuated. A lot. I had a real struggle with it. I made poor food choices and was a couch potato. As with most people, my life changed so much so quickly that I was overwhelmed and kind of checked out for awhile. I managed to stay on the slimmer side after having Caden, but it was still a struggle and I just felt sluggish all the time.
And then the rug was pulled out from under me. My Mom called me at the beginning of December in 2006 to tell me that she had been diagnosed with cancer. That's a whole other story for another day, but after she passed away the following year, I decided to change my life and to stop making excuses and to finally do all other things I had talked about for years. One of the things I told my Mom that I was going to do was run a marathon. I really thought that she would have got a chuckle out of that, with it being such lofty goal. She looked at me and said that she thought it was a great goal, and that she knew I could do it. I hadn't started running at this point. I was just talking big. But this stuck with me. After she passed away, it took me a couple of years to really change my habits to be healthier. It wasn't over night and it wasn't always easy.
One of the big things now that I have noticed since I've changed my shape is that when I look in the mirror, I often first to to the areas that I don't love so much. Focus on the flaws. Don't get me wrong. I like me. I feel strong and healthy and mostly very happy. I don't know if its because I am older that my focus when it comes to mirrors has changed, or if it's because something inside of me is still scared. All in all, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I am doing it. I am really proud of how far I've come. In some ways, I am inspiring others to make changes and I couldn't be happier about this. On my journey to find myself, I have been inspired by my family and friends. So many people have helped me each step. I like that I can do the same for my family and friends.
So... who is up for a run?? :-)
I have a lot of blogging to catch up with. While I've been quiet, I have been busy! Stay tuned...
No comments:
Post a Comment